


I lost myself in you (and that is what killed me)

by Malvies_toxicaria



Category: Descendants (Disney Movies)
Genre: Evie-centric (Disney), I love Evie i really do but im sorry, Loss of Control, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22436476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malvies_toxicaria/pseuds/Malvies_toxicaria
Summary: Evie is going through a rough patch in her even rougher life when Mal suddenly makes an appearance. Feeling at first intimidated, Evie is reluctant to be anywhere near her. But slowly and surely her feelings develop and she throws herself headfirst into something that she never hoped would die.
Relationships: Evie/Mal (Disney)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	I lost myself in you (and that is what killed me)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! Okay, so I'm taking a break from Complications for a while.  
> This is a really personal story for me as it is based on actual events and experiences that I went through. My story didn't get such a happy ending but don't worry this one will!
> 
> TW: mentions of self-harm, mental illness, panic attacks, and suicide.

Evie’s life has never been perfect. That was no secret. She had been forced to grow up in poverty, with a less than caring witch of a mother. Having been forced to go days without food, and even when she was allowed a meal, it was painfully hard to stomach. She endured years of abuse, mainly verbal, occasionally physical. Having been born into a life of mistreatment and isolation certainly took a large toll on her well being.

Evie knew why she suffered. Why she continuously felt sad, even during a time of joy. Why every time she found herself in public, she wanted to run and hide; to shun herself away.

Yet, her mother always accused her of just overthinking, screaming at her that there was nothing wrong with her; that there  _ couldn’t _ be anything wrong. Evie was not allowed to be flawed; it was crucial she remained the epitome of perfection and held up to outlandish expectations. She wanted out; and truly she was tempted, but could never follow through. 

Now having been freed from the isle and transferred to a new school, a new environment, she felt a faint hope. Hope that she  _ could _ get better. Hope that she could look in the mirror and not hate  what  who stared back at her. Hope for recovery. 

Living in Auradon was nice, a beautiful miracle compared to the isle. With more fresh and good food that shoe could ever stomach, comfortable living quarters, and a graceful opportunity for a new start on life. Things were certainly better, but Evie knew and felt that she was still a ways away from feeling it.

It was Wednesday, halfway through the week. Thankfully she had gotten pretty used to her new schedule by now, not to mention the evergoing maze that is Auradon Prep. Currently, she sat in the library, fiddling with the sleeves of her shirt as she talked to Carlos and Jay during thier daily lunchtime huddle group.

Organized by Fairy Godmother, Evie and the boys met in the library daily to talk. It was always during lunch, for Evie would never step foot in the cafeteria; being too afraid to be around that many students. Their group is small and intimate, making it easy to share any troubles that may be weighing on their minds. To Evie, this is as close to therapy as she was ever going to get. As close as she wanted to  _ be _ . 

Usually, Fairy godmother was there, helping to initiate conversation and positive talk. But today she was fairly late. Evie had come to lean on FG, trusting her with her woes, even subconsciously adopting her as a mother figure, letting her be a loving guide; one she didn’t know she needed.

Evie ran her nails along her forearm through her long blue blouse. Her newest marks were healing, causing them to itch as her skin stitched itself back together.

“Have you guys seen FG? She’s running really late today, even for her.”

Jay sat back in his chair, his arms folded. Evie could see the rainbow of fresh bruises forming on his arms. Thankfully they’re from his newfound love of tourney and not purposeful beatings.

“Yeah, you’d think she’d be here early, considering her thing with curfews.”

Carlos peeked his nose from deep within his math book. His shyness around people was usually eased if he was working through problems or his nose in a book. 

“Actually” he started, absentmindedly flipping his page, “I heard she was giving a tour today; some new girl. Apparently, she’s from the isle too.” 

Evie paused her scratching and rolled the inside of her lip between her teeth. 

( _ Oh great _ )

Evie was never really good around new people; she was not even fond of people to begin with. It had been hard enough for her to pry herself from FG’s side and open up to Jay and Carlos. She does  _ not _ need another person to push their way into her life; into her time. A girl no less.

Evie was comfortable around Jay and Carlos mainly because they are boys. When she found herself around girls, especially those around her age, her manipulated mind went into overdrive. She always feels weak and lesser than other girls. Always comparing, she obsessively nitpicks her own flaws, the result always her feeling inferior and ugly. 

( _ Our group is at maximum, I don’t want anyone else- _ )

She had her thoughts interrupted by the rough of Carlos’ barely used voice.

“She said she would try to make it. Or stop by at least.”

Evie sighed rubbing her forearm, giving her nails a rest, not wanting to reopen the skin. Not now at least. 

( _ Great. This is  _ **_not_ ** _ how I wanted today to go. _ )

She grabbed her sketchpad from her bag.

( _ Might as well get something done. _ )

Even though they are all friends now, there are still often long moments of silence between the three. Especially with FG not being there to spur on conversation.

Evie glided her blue pen along the paper, retracing previously sketched lines with a darker, more prominent color. Finalizing her outline with permanent strokes. Usually, she fell into a different mind when she touched ink to paper, subconsciously blending herself with her creations and blocking out the world around her. So naturally, her ears didn’t pick up on the doors to the library opening, or the sound of small heels clicking her way. She felt the table move as Jay shifted in his seat, thankful it didn’t throw off her pen’s rhythm, she paid no mind. Only when she heard her name did Evie bother to pry her focused vision from her design.

“Evie” FG called, most likely more than once.

Evie shifted, having to readjust her posture as she looked up. She hadn’t realized her shoulders were slumped over, intensely hovering over her drawing. Looking up, her eyes immediately found themselves on FG and the comfort there. 

“I am so sorry I’m late everyone. I was giving our new student a tour and I thought I would bring her here to meet you all.”

FG’s voice was calming, familiar to Evie’s ears. But the words she spoke sent a rapid spike in her anxiety.

( _ Nice trap FG. You knew I couldn’t get out of this one. _ )

Her brown eyes drifted, finally seeing there was another figure standing behind FG.

“Come on dear, say hi” FG coaxed the new arrival, inching her forewards toward the group with her gentle hands.

Evie could get a better look, now that the girl stepped into a clearer view. She was a bit on the shorter side, certainly shorter than Evie. The girl was holding her arm timidly, pressing into her muscle and rubbing circles with her thumb. She was clad in a lot of dark purple leather, contrasting with the bright of her magenta locks.

Evie subtly rolled her eyes ( _ Clearly she’s making some sort of statement; maybe a bad girl wannabe. _ )

Deciding to continue her investigation into this new character, Evie scrolled and took notice of how pale the girl’s skin was. How she obviously had a nervous habit of gnawing the inside of her cheek. But then Evie’s judging stare arrived at her final destination; the girl’s eyes. They were enchanting. That sparkling green seemed to pull her in, even though their owner had them drifting everywhere except the group. 

“Everyone” FG’s voice chimed, reminding Evie to pull her eyes away before she could get caught staring. “This is Mal.” FG set a comforting hand on Mal’s shoulder, helping her to tame her obvious nerves. Just as she had for Evie. At that motion, Evie felt a twinge of jealousy. 

( _ No. You’re supposed to help  _ **_me_ ** _. Spend time with  _ **_me_ ** _. Ease  _ **_my_ ** _ nerves. Not her. _ )

“Mal, this is Carlos, Jay, and Evie.”

The boys both gave a verbal ‘hi’ and ‘hello’, but Evie, starting to feel small again, gave a quick insincere smile.

The air was feeling stuffy and thick with anxiety. FG picked up on the common tension, noticing how, the girls especially, were wishing they could be anywhere else.

“Well, we should get going. Still have some paperwork to sign! Mal will be starting school tomorrow, and I am having her join our lunch group.”

Evie’s eyes widened at the latter. Her lunch group is the only place where she felt safe, comfortable enough to talk and let her mind ease before enduring the rest of the day’s anxieties. Come tomorrow she would have no space that was completely safe during the day. And if that wasn’t bad enough, she was going to have to share FG.

Knowing Jay and Carlos would have little to no issue, FG turned to look specifically at Evie. Seeing she was gripping her pen until her knuckles were white, and she was tensing her muscles, stressing her cuts.

“Evie” her hazel eyes conveyed a quiet apology. “I’ll catch up with you after class, okay?”

Stressfully, Evie swallowed the lump in her throat and responded with a shy nod.

( _ This is  _ **_not_ ** _ fair. _ )

FG gently put a hand on her shoulder, “Okay” she confirmed, then she led Mal and herself out the way they had entered.

Evie touched the tip of her pen back to her page, but couldn’t bring herself to continue where she left off. She sat defeated. She could hear the distant sound of Jay’s voice calling her name, but she was too lost in her head to actually notice; and this time not from drawing.

( _ Ridiculous. Another uncomfortable situation; trying to get me to make friends. No. Nope. Not going to happen. _ )

Evie jumped suddenly, her wearing thoughts coming to an end. The bell had rung, signaling the lunch period was now over. She threw her things back into her bag and started to stomp away in a huff; leaving the boys behind to exchange worried looks.

She felt her chest tighten, trying to hold back the frustration and sadness of not having her daily conversation with FG. Hurriedly, she shuffled through the halls to her next class; trying a little too hard not to make eye contact with anyone she passed. 

The rest of her classes flew by in a blur; but that wasn’t anything new. Evie tries her best to pay attention, but the anxiety berating her mind always won out over the teacher. Finally, after glancing at the clock for the twentieth time, the final bell rang. Already having her things packed, five minutes prior, Evie shot from her seat and made a beeline for the dorms.

Nervously she snaked around loud, chatty Auradon students. Unwillingly her ears always pick up on conversations that make her uncomfortable, mainly because they were loud and vulgar; pushing her to increase her strides to get away. Reaching the entrance to the living quarters, she chanced a glance from the ground her eyes had grown very familiar with. Evie felt her anxiety calm to a simmer when she caught sight of FG waiting patiently by the door.

( _ At least she kept her word. _ )

Timidly, she dragged her heels along the gravel, enjoying the clicking sounds the shifting pebbles made, as she slugged up to FG, who was thankfully alone. Being the only person in Auradon that Evie completely confides in, she and FG have formed a bond that goes past hi’s and hello’s every time they meet.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to lunch today. How are you doing?” FG’s voice, soft and calming, eased Evie into a sense of security. She shrugged her shoulders and sighed, conveying her obvious disappointment.

“Okay, I guess. Kinda bummed I couldn’t talk with you…” She trailed off, nervously pulling her already long sleeves down further.

“I know, but I promise I’ll be there tomorrow.”

Evie nodded as she swallowed, biting back the tears she could feel coming; at least until she was alone. FG knew she had to head home for the day, but she picked up on Evie’s silence and fidgeting. “You’ll be safe tonight?”

Forcefully Evie bit down on the inside of her lip. FG looked for a sign of reassurance, her eyes pleading with concern. Truthfully, Evie never knew how her evenings would go. Sometimes she would feel okay, watch a movie or two on her laptop and peacefully ease into sleep. Other nights her thoughts were loud, pushing at the edge of her skull. Feeling her inescapable sadness mixed with the hammering of her battered mind, she often looked for relief in her razor.

Evie nodded again, a little less than sure, and most likely unconvincing; but FG would just have to accept it.

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.” With that FG let Evie proceed to her room as she herself returned home.

***

Quickly, Evie jogged to her room, releasing a sigh of relief when she pushed her back against the door to close it. Finally, she was alone.

Evie spent most of her time shut in her room. Sure she would like to go out, shopping or just being out in the world, to have some semblance of a life; but she doesn’t really have many friends, not even a roommate. FG witnessed her crippling panic attack first hand at just the mention of being around other girls her age. There was no way she could live with someone else. Evie preferred being alone anyway. She has everything she needs in her room, her laptop, art materials, her sewing machine, it’s all she needs to keep herself occupied. Her room is her sanctuary, although sometimes it did, more often than not, feel like a prison.

No matter how much she wanted to, she never had the mental strength or stability to venture out in public. The anxiety was too risky, for every time it left her a shaking, sobbing mess.

Evie rid her feet of her heels and threw herself into the waiting arms of her unmade bed. The soft sheets enveloped her in a much needed plush hug.

( _ This is just what I need. _ )

Her mind and body are spent; dealing with the torrential and unyielding anxiety, depression and overall overblown emotions on a daily basis leaves her body dragging and her mind begging for rest. It was only three something in the afternoon, probably close to four, but she didn’t care. Curling into her sheets, she buried her face in her pillow, allowing her tears to silently fall and dampen the fabric beneath her cheek.

  
( _ Sleep. Just let me sleep. And maybe, if I’m lucky, I won’t wake up. _ )

**Author's Note:**

> Comments always make a writer happy!


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